a Merry little Christmas from Kelly in Thailand.

Hello all! and a Merry Christmas! Such a Merry Christmas to you all.I have already had my Christmas and I tell you, it was wonderful.There were certainly some times of sadness because I am not at home,sharing this celebratory time with all of you, but different kinds ofChristmases far from home spark a different kind of truth in me, andfor that I am thankful.And So, i Hope that you and yours found one another and that it was ajoyful time.Much has happened in the days, or weeks now, since I have written anemail. I will try to be brief, interesting and informative. I think Ihave warned all before, and I do it again, I have a tendency toramble. Thus, being informative won't be a problem, but it will beabout things that perhaps Aren't interesting... in which case, i willhave failed on two thirds of my hopes & efforts for this email.Therefore, I apologize in advance and will not be insulted if you quitreading just now.Beyond that, I also want to be clear about my intentions for theseemails throughout the year. I know full well that I cannot convey toyou every detail about my experiences here. But I will strive to giveyou, in each letter, a small picture of life here.Out of all things, I value honesty very, very highly. So in theseletters, I hope you will permit me to be very candid, though I realizenot all of us are at a level of relationship that requires that muchopenness. I suppose this vulnerability on my part is then, my way ofthanking you for your support -- prayerfully, financially, in hopes,in tears, in whatever it is--- and hoping that your support willcontinue through the duration of my time here.With that, this is the part of my letter where I actually tell youwhat's been happening to me here in Thailand:I have been to Outreach about 4 times now and each time it has beenquite an experience. Briefly, I will tell you that outreach is a time
where myself and other volunteers for the Garden visit some of thebars in Chiang Mai where we have friends who work there and simplyhang out with them. This allows for a few things to happen-- first andforemost to be able to reach out, to go to where these women work andare, to see some of the things they experience. We will usually visittwo bars in a night. Upon arriving, we will order drinks (not to worryall who might, we are drinking water.. but to be clear, we order forthem whatever they want) for ourselves and the women we are with tocompensate them for their time which they are spending with us. Thisallows us to be with the women in their world, but to simultaneouslynot condemn their work-- merely to begin, continue, and foster theprocess of building a relationship based on trust, kindness, and mostimportantly unconditional love. The point is to show the women thattheir time is worthy of being treated respectfully. That they aredignified humans who deserve to be treated as such.Outreach will be the bigger part what what my position entails workingwith the Garden. Which is why the Garden team went on Outreach on 24December.Many people, on Christmas Eve, find themselves in Churches or aroundTables spending time with community-- be it eating, singing, praying,smiling, laughing, crying, giving, receiving. I found myself thisChristmas Eve doing essentially the same things but in a Bar found ona busy road in Chiang Mai.My Christmas Eve was such a melting pot of different feelings. I'm notsure I felt one emotion consistently for more than a minute.Because Chiang Mai caters to foreigners, it feels almost Christmas-y,well, besides the weather. Thus, one of the bars the team frequentswas having a Christmas party. On the surface, there is the very jovialatmosphere --- Christmas music, or classics are playing on the CD
player. At this bar, Butterfly Bar, there are Christmas lights, abuffet of delicious food prepared by the women who work there, anendless supply of drinks, the rest of the street equally lively withpeople, cars, tourists, elephants and their owners selling food fortourists to feed the large beasts, carts carrying anything from mangoand sticky rice, to fried bugs (yes, in fact, i was lucky enough toeat a few of these my Christmas eve). All of the bars, because theweather is to the caliber of paradise, are open on the front, likefront porches, very inviting. And so at first glance, and for thefirst half hour that our team arrived, it felt like we were having aregular Christmas party. Very few customers had arrived so it was justour team and six or seven women who work at Butterfly, sitting,laughing, drinking our water or spirits, and I thought to myself thatthis is certainly the most memorable and different Christmas I haveever had. To be very honest, to this point, it was a fun, fun night.And how could it not be hanging out with friends to celebrate theSeason?Unfortunately, this is NOT the summation of what the bar scene lookslike here in Chiang Mai. Because then the men start coming. En masse.And again, at first glance, it doesn't look so bad. Because the jovialfeeling covers everything-- and it's Christmas right? But then that'swhere I first begin to sense that something is seriously wrong.Because what's really happening shouldn't happen ever-- but least ofall on Christmas Eve. The birth of Christ should not be celebrated byhurting others and oneself. Even if one is not aware that thisdestruction is taking place. I can visibly feel my mood change in thebar. I am keeping my mood light and friendly-- am practicing my Thai,but I cannot ignore that the men who have come into this bar are herein hopes that they will pay to take one of my new friends back to
their hotel. On Christmas. When they should be home with theirfamilies. With ones they love. With ones that love them.And I begin to feel the anger brewing within me for the injustice thatis so lightly and cheerfully taking place. Our time at Butterfly isdrawing to a close and when Brittany and I move from our table on theoutskirts of the bar running over onto the sidewalk next to thestreet, into the bar to pay for our drinks, my anger increases becauseI am in the midst of the bar and am able to watch a number ofinteractions taking place. I see a man who lives in our apartmentbuilding. Brittany and I exchange glances and sigh. Oh dear.We move on to another bar where some other friends work and before weget into the actual body of the bar, we are greeted by some womenplaying pool with some customers. Two of these men look about my ageand they greet us as well with "Sa wat dii khrap" and we return thegreeting.. half-heartedly. One begins to solicit Brittany (sidenote:if you haven't met Brittany, she is Asian. Thus, she is at timesmistaken by foreigners as being Thai. This guy thought she worked inthe bar. I think he had had a lot to drink) and another begins to talkto me with a "Where are you from? What are you doing after this?" ina charming Aussie accent. "Where in the States? What pro-sports teamsare from Oregon? How long will you be here? etc. Etc." My gut reactionis to walk away from this person because I certainly do not want to betalking to him, telling him about my life--even insignificant details.But I know that decency and politeness are important and I am tryingto remember that it's Christmas Eve, which ought to necessitatekindness. Eventually, I end the conversation and take my place at atable in the body of the bar and this gives me a good view of the restof the bar. I'm positive I didn't want this view, but I know this is a
reality taking place and why I came to Thailand, and so, I keep myplace. And watch. And listen. And stew when I see a German man touch awoman and I can tell she's uncomfortable, but she laughs benevolently,and eventually removes herself from him presence.And when we leave the district for the night, I am ready. I feelnauseated, troubled, unsettled.Brittany and I decided to go to a Midnight Mass at 10:30 at theCatholic church just down the road from our apartment. It's big,beautiful, stately. We squeeze into a wooden pew beside a pregnantThai women. I look to the front of the Church, to the father givinghis Christmas homily. To the large crucifix taking up the bulk of thewall behind him. And I am reminded of the reason why we are all heretonight. Not only for celebration of our Christ. Simultaneously,looking at the wooden image of Christ up there, I am reminded that HisMercy covers everyone. And that brings me peace. And humility.When I go to bed that night, I put the earphones of my iPod into myears and listen to Christmas music. First, I find "The Christmas Song"by Dave Matthews Band. It's one of my favorites and I am unashamed toadmit that I listen to it when it's not Christmastime. But I thinkthat Christmastime makes the words EVEN more striking. And one of thelyrics of the song, for those of you who have never heard it, is Jesustalking and he knows he will be crucified, but he is praying to Godand says "Why in all this hatred do you fill me up with love?" Andthat's the theme running through the song. Even while people areplotting to kill him, he is filled with love and compassion. And Ibegan to consider the meaning of these words, especially as it'sChristmastime and consistently the music we hear is full of phrasesconcerning peace on earth and goodwill toward all. Often we are kinderduring this season-- more generous. Maybe even the best versions of
ourselves-- in an effort to make the world more loving, rather thanmore hateful. And I am struck by this in light of my experiencesearlier in the evening. I can actually feel my anger subsiding towardthe men I saw--And this feeling is only magnified when I turn on my favoriteChristmas song, "O Holy Night" and the lyrics of this song are sostrong and tonight they strike me deeply as I recall my deep anger."Truly he taught us to love one another. His Law is Love and HisGospel is Peace. Chains will He break for the Slave is our Brother..."And it goes on. But the words and the music are enough to throw meinto a prayer for unconditional grace, for overwhelming mercy--forgiveness for my hate and anger. Because despite how righteously Imay think I feel these emotions, I am struck by the concept that I ambroken too, just like my Sisters in the bars and my Brothers who gothere.And I can't help but think that during Christmastime, a holidaycelebrated widely around the world, regardless of religion and creed,whether we are believers or not, Christian or Atheist, Jew orBuddhist, Hindu, Muslim, whatever--- we ought to look at the man Jesusand his example of Peace and strive to that. And to achieve thatPeace-- forgiveness, mercy, Compassion ought to replace trite anger,impatience, hate-- which really only serve to destroy each other andourselves. Because when we begin to look at ourselves, we begin torealize that we need as much mercy and compassion as everyone else--if not more.All this is to say (and I realize I have said A lot) this Eve was thebeginning and culmination of my Christmas. I am learning and seeingand experiencing. And it is humbling and sometimes painful, butcertainly good. I can honestly say that I know I will be angry againwhen I go to Outreach, but I hope this means that each reminder to bea more compassionate person cuts me more deeply than the last.Blessings to you all -- blessings of peace.
-kelly