blogging while sick ... please exercise grace.

kelly told me that hemingway was advised to begin writing with recording the ‘truest sentence you know.’ so that means multiple great writers (as in more than 1 as kr & hemingway are definitely kind of great --- if you are a fox alum you should read kr's article in the fox journal as it & she are brilliant) and thinkers have already come to grapple with some of the things that i will try to express in my own disconnected (drug-induced – whoo nyquil hangover!) way.

but i have been struck by the recent overwhelming urge i have had to write … write everything. so the past weekend has seen a flurry of e-mails (whoo fox graduates! whoo future community buddies! whoo patient friends who have been waiting for e-mails for what could be considered a little too long), letters – both receiving and sending (whoo chelsea louie – good luck sorting out my thoughts), and a fair bit (finally) of breaking out the journal and trying to sort out the mess of thoughts floating in my head which had at that point, been exposed only to the ever listening kr.

it seems that, without recording what happens in life, everything begins to become a blur. and in the haze one begins to lose the details, the people, the experiences, the lessons, and the ability to have those things change you. one starts to feel like a passive bystander in their own life. for someone with my type of mind – what one could call a slow processor – one needs an opportunity to reflect, to contemplate, and to intentionally feel. it is this self, as broken, unpretty, and at times laughable that desires to just write the truth, even if it is just one true sentence.

so much has been happening (as i think is evident in the beautiful blog below – whoo KR!) that is both beautiful and challenging. i did not know at the beginning of april that one month could contain such a depth of experiences. my first glimpses of what an entire city would look like if everything shut down and just turned into a gigantic free for all water-fight, what it would feel like to try to sleep on the 8^th night in a row of over 100 degree temps (for someone accustomed to being cold a lot being hot was an abnormal adjustment), how it would feel to be able to watch devout muslims participate in the dawn call to prayer, to not only know in thought or rationale but to know in my soul that in humanity we are of one body and that no stereotypes or labels can ever accurately describe the beauty, depth, and complexity of any section of humanity, and how epic it would be to watch lightning bolts light up our sky with instant thunder that sounds like the world’s only existing peaceful bomb. i guess, for the first time in a long time, it just felt good to be able to be present in my own life rather than existing in a perpetual state of pretending i was alive. too long in this state of existing is exhausting and one begins to feel like a big hypocrite. at a certain point the barriers and the distance that used to be protective, makes it impossible for one to even know themselves anymore and it is the worst feeling in the world when you can’t even offer your friends an honest version of yourself.

so it was this self that was able to experience what was by any accord a EPIC month … i got to do things i have been meaning to do since i came to thailand last year like jump into a moat that was built in the late 1200’s (the loss of my trusty and necessary sunglasses was a reasonable price to pay). songkran is something i hope we can bring back to Oregon with us – at least in some form - to celebrate the beginning of each summer. we decided that this festival would be ridiculously difficult to record in totality but i will try to give you an idea of how rad it actually is (with the disclaimer that i think most of our friends would greatly enjoy this festival and i often imagined a one mark frykholm running and splashing all pedestrians and drivers with huge buckets of water and then sort of doing that giddy laugh thing only he can do). in typical thai fashion this festival lasts for days and has many different forms depending on where you are and what time of day it is and how drunk people are. also, as most thai festivals go, songkran is also rooted in a deeply honored thai religious tradition – the pouring of water as a blessing of life and prosperity. so it is kind of awesome to walk along the street and get continually splashed with this mischievous smile and a ‘happy new year jaaw.’ and of course, as most religious holidays go (ie: christmas), it has also become its own crazy entity where every gross farang in thailand can come and watch the lady-boys dance in their white tanktops (and to answer the ever-present question, lady-boys do have nipples) and loud music is acceptable at any time of day. but even in the red-light district it was good to see our friends be able to enjoy some innocent fun and even the most dirty of johns seemed a little bit more harmless when doused with water. or at least one is free to take out some aggression on them under the pretense of fun. 

one day, after some intense playing, we ended up on top of the wall that separates the old city and overlooks the moats on each corner. all you can see is hundreds and hundreds of people dipping buckets into the moat for more water and all you can hear is the shrieking laughter that is the human inability to ever grow accustomed to getting splashed with ice water. it was nice to know in that moment that so many people can be in one place, having a good time, and enjoy something unique to their culture while freely giving this gift to all other transients as well. kr had mentioned that the world would be a better place if all wars were fought with water and on that wall – enjoying the most epic of people watching environments – i grew to fully agree with that statement. thais from all over the country, various hill tribes, economic status (one fun game is to “spot the bangkok thais”), and multiple religions, enjoy a holiday that is rooted in wanting to share in the blessings of others. although we are glad now that the farang influx has returned to its normal, more manageable number, songkran was a good welcoming of summer. now on long walks i find myself wishing that someone would want to get me wet so that i wouldn’t be so disgustingly hot.

in an effort to make this blog not a book, i think i will end there. my meds are wearing off and now i just feel sort of drowsy and unbalanced. so my friends – wherever you are and whatever epic things you are doing (like graduating or moving to portland LBK & #1 dad!) i hope that you are in a place of peace with yourself, where being ‘present’ isn’t too scary of a concept, and where you can enjoy whatever patch of dirt you get to occupy for the time being.

peace & love, bq